OverTubers and the Curse of the Freaky Voice
by The Strike Commander
Summary: A group of spunky YouTubers confront the greatest threat they have ever known: a seductive, sudo-Japanese voice that won't leave them alone.
1. A Disappointing Turn

The life of a YouTuber is a harsh, unrelenting, and lonely occupation, much like the Australian Outback. In a warped twist of events, the Australian continent would host some of the most ego-inflated personalities to ever grace the Overwatch play-scape. This is the story of how some of those insufferable entities overcame their greatest trial.

One day, a young man known as Elliott (better known as Muselk) awoke with a feeling of glorious self-worth in his bosom. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and the views were pouring in. Life couldn't get much better. Elliott thought he should take the opportunity to become a better version of himself. It would be hard, but he would try, nonetheless.

 _Today, I'm going to take responsibility and not be a disappointment to my parents!_ Elliott thought, _I'll start by checking my emails._

Elliott stretched as he got out of bed. One of the most advantageous aspects of YouTube life is that your workplace, dining place, resting place, and toilet are all within a hop, skip, and a jump of one another. Not only is it convenient, but it makes multi-tasking quite easy! Fancy a bite to eat while you're on the pooper? No problem! Want to take a power nap while your video renders? Easy! Although there were plenty of luxuries the YouTube life bestowed, there also was a heavy price. As any internet based medium, YouTubers have to be wary of the bizarre and hazardous entities of the inter-webs. A stranger could hack your personal accounts at any moment, and given the visibility of YouTuber accounts, they were prime targets. Elliott, head-strong as he was, couldn't be fazed my these petty haters.

Elliott switched on his PC. _Alright, it's time to see the new sexy Junkrat spots!_ he thought. With a few quick clicks and some mashing of the keyboard, Elliott was logged in. He began reading. Most of the emails were the usual fluff: people's successful implementations of sexy Junkrat, Torbjörn altars, haters with bad grammar saying things like, "lol ur gey". One email however, called attention to itself.

 _What's this?_ Elliott thought.

The title read, "New Secret Overwatch map?" Elliott instinctively clicked. The email read,

Dear Muselk,

After datamining the latest Overwatch ptr patch, I've found something rather interesting. Using a modded version of Overwatch, I can access the attached file and it appears to be a new map in the works. There is some interesting geometry to say the least. Check it out and let me know what you think. Could this be a battlefield from the Omnic crisis? Also I've sent this file to other Tubers so have fun!

-H

Elliott was intrigued. _A new map? That would make a great video,_ he thought, _but I probably shouldn't be downloading strange files from the internet._ He chuckled. _Almost had me there._

He glanced over the email once more. Then a tiny voice popped into the back of his head. _Wait… he sent this to other YouTubers? They're probably already making videos of this new map, aren't they? That's right Elliott, imagine it now, another YouTuber getting a world first look before you…_

He could almost hear the gut wrenching line now.

Ladies and Gentlemen!

 **Ladies and Gentlemen!**

 **LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!**

 _Oh, there's no way that's happening!_ Muselk thought, and he clicked the download button.

Suddenly, Elliott's computer was having a spaz attack. Pop-ups appeared everywhere and all the monitor settings were going out of whack. _Oh no. What have I done?_ thought Elliott, _Better shut off the power before any real damage occurs._

Elliott crawled under his desk and looked for the bright red light of the power strip. He reached out his hand. _Sorry PC, but this is for your own good._ He touched the power junction and an arc of electricity sent him sprawling backwards. As his fingers screamed in pain, he bumped his head on his desk and came tumbling out from underneath the PC in a heap. Elliott cradled his injured hand as he rocked on the floor. Then, he heard it. A tiny, frail, almost innocent voice tickling the back of his skull.

"Hello Elly-chan."


	2. Aero to Zyl

Elliott rubbed the sore spot on the back of his noggin where his head had hit the desk. He had it coming after naïvely opening that unscrupulous email. Still reeling from the impact, Elliott could almost hear the wispy laughter of a tiny Asian. _Who would have thought that trying to be responsible could be so hazardous to my health?_ Elliott thought.

As Elliott eyes returned to his desktop, he noticed that his system appeared completely unscathed. Everything was just how he left it: the email was open and everything was operating normally. _That's unsettling,_ he thought.

"Oh, Elly-chan, you feel so tense…" an entirely defenseless voice muttered.

 _Well, yes, I am rather on edge at this moment,_ Elliott responded. _Wait! Is someone talking to me?_

Muselk glanced around the room, looking for any signs of an intruder.

"Elly-chan, p-p-please don't look at me that way… y-you're making me feel so lewd!"

Suddenly, Elliott realized the voice was emanating from inside his own mind. _Oh. My. God! What is going on right now?_

"E-Elly-chan…" the voice whimpered, "W-will you play Overwatch for me? I… I want to see you play."

Elliott groaned. _I really need to lay off the hentai._

"Elly-chan! D-don't say such perverted things!"

 _Would you shut up! Your voice is starting to annoy me!_ Elliot wasn't sure what to make of all this. Could all this be the fabrication of a bump on the head and some bizarre media, or was something far more sinister materializing? Well, so long as the hallucinations were quiet, Elliott thought he could suffer through and go about his daily routine.

"Ah… I will do anything for my Elly-chan!"

With great effort, Muselk sat once again at his desk. Even a rugged Aussie such as himself has limits, and perverted, anime-esque dialogue was just beyond said limit. At least Elliott could vent to his mates. That's the greatest quality of online life; you get all the social benefits of friendship without any of the tangible drawbacks.

Elliott opened the voice chat app and began typing in his password. Suddenly, a premonition of tragedy and despair flashed before his eyes; however, once Elliott sets his mind to something there is little that can stop him, even logic and reason. He finished typing and hit the enter key. The screen spazzed as the permeating malware acquired the contents of Muselk's contact list. From AeroViro to Zylbrad, it got them all.

 _Oh,_ Elliott thought, _Oh dear… Well, I really ###### this one up, didn't I?_

The voice continued to whisper temptations to Muselk. "M-my Elly-chan deserves to be happy. I will do a-anything to make Elly-chan happy. Would it make Elly-chan happier if his friends were happy too?"

 _Okay, you're really starting to creep me out now,_ Elliott responded.

"Oooooh," the voice whimpered, "Elly-chan scolded me! I-I h-have been a n-naughty girl. P-punish me m-m-master."

Muselk scowled. "Forget you," he said, "I need to warn the others!" His hands quickly went to work dancing over the keyboard.

"M-my Elly-chan is ignoring me," the voice was half crying and half ecstasy, "I am a worthless companion."

"Argh! Would you stop?!" Elliott shouted, "Working while aroused is proving **very** difficult."

"I-I will show my Elly-chan that I am not useless," the voice moaned, "I will do everything I can to prove to my Elly-chan that I can make him happy." The voice giggled cheerily.

"I'm glad you're getting off on this," Elliott said sarcastically, "You've really f***** me here, ya know?"

The tiny voice quivered with pleasure. "Aa-aah…" it gasped, "M-my Elly-chan is saying such lewd things. I feel so naughty j-just for hearing them. O-oh, I can't take much mooar…"

 _Neither can I,_ Elliott thought.


	3. Mexican Malware

Elliott nervously tapped at his desk as he waited for his compatriots to respond. Despite the rough, calloused façade he wore on his exterior, Elliott was really worried about his friends. The wonderfully happy feeling he got when they were together was irreplaceable (and who else could he lay the blame on for every defeat?). He truly coveted his friends' affections, not to say he would ever admit that.

The universe seemed to operate on Muselk's timetable for today. A musical chime played as a friend entered the voice chat. Elliott felt sweat slicking his palms while he conjured some apologetic words. Through his headset he could hear the muffled breathing of a very groggy and mildly irritated man.

"Hey," said the man, "What's up?"

The ball of tension resting at the back of Elliott's throat slowly faded as he came back into his element. Now he was feeling a little more relaxed. "Hi, Sean," he said, "I'm glad you're here. I've got something I want to tell you."

"Yeah, sure, no problem," replied the fellow Aussie. "Oh… wait, could you hold on a second? Eh, something appears to be uh… wrong with my… monitor."

"Wait, Sean, that's what I wanted to say!"

"Hmm?" Sean replied. " **Ow**! Gah… my Goddamn mouse just shocked me! Ugh, you fuckin' piece of shit!"

"Uh, Sean?" Elliott inquired. That knot of stress rose up again when Elliott realized his mission was forlorn.

"It fuckin' shocked me! Seriously! What kind of a piece of shit mouse needs enough power that it can fuckin' do some BDSM shit!"

"Alright, Sean, let's just," Elliott exhaled, whistling mildly as the air passed between his lips, "calm down. I'm pretty sure I have an idea about why your mouse shocked you."

"Grrh," Sean grumbled. "Wait, you know something about this?"

"Um… yeah," Elliott said, chuckling weakly, "I may have had something to do with it." Breath hung in Elliott's chest as he waited for Sean's response.

Air loudly expelled from Sean's nostrils. "What did you do?" he asked in a fatherly, interrogating tone.

"Tyrodin has no right to speak to my Elly-chan in such a way!" the voice in Elliott's head huffed.

Elliott could do nothing but utter a pitiable laugh as he laid out his failures. "I may have… downloaded a highly suspicious virus that… has taken over my system and infected yours… heh."

Sean laughed. "You fockin' what?" he said with a dry laugh, "Mate, you had me worried there for a second… fuckin' malware… hahaaa!"

Elliott nervously twitched in his seat. "Uh… I think it may be more serious than you think, Sean."

Sean continued to laugh. "Hahaha! H-h-hey, y-you should play Sombra today and title the video… "Muselk the Mexican Malware Maker". Ha!"

Elliott couldn't stifle a laugh. "Wow… uh… that, that is… racist. You sir, are a bigot."

"Hahahaha!" Sean gave a hearty belly laugh. "I-it's so greaaaat! Ahahahahaha! Fu… ha! Fuckin' malware! Hahahahaha!"

Elliott allowed a wave of good humor to overtake him. "You sure you're alright?"

Sean couldn't stop laughing. "Nah, man… My hand's fuckin' paralyzed! Ehahaha!" He kept prodding at Elliott's expense. Muselk chuckled. Sean's laughter was certainly contagious.

"Aww, my Elly-chan is purring!" the timid voice said, "I can tell you are happy. I can feel your heart beating." The voice gave a charming little giggle almost to join in on the humor.

Elliott didn't let the voice's interruption phase him. Sean had learned the truth, but little had come of it. He seemed fine, and Elliott was no worse for wear. Perhaps he had overreacted. Maybe all of these superfluous symptoms were just his imagination. With luck, everything would be restored in only a few hours. Optimism flooded Muselk's senses as he turned his attention to Overwatch. Maybe everything would be alright.


	4. Big Brother

Sean's spirits rose while the majestic Overwatch theme played in background. After the _shocking_ events that transpired moments ago, Sean thought hammering a few rounds of Overwatch would do him some good. There is nothing more therapeutic than opening up a can of whoop ass on some poor chumps literally thousands of SR points beneath you.

The majestic, honorable, and highly amusing YouTuber known as Tyrodin was nothing less than a great Reinhardt player. Even though soldiers may fall and medics may die, he was the rod that broke the tide of war. The current of battle empowered his fighting spirit. For his comrades, he would make any virtual sacrifice. None were more valiant than the Seanhardt.

With Moosetits by his side, nothing could stop them, excluding Elliott himself. That was Elliott's one weakness: his own idiocy. Despite all Sean's efforts, intelligence could not be diffused between brains. One might say the pair had a "tentative" relationship, but at least Elliott was good for a laugh and making ridiculous plans that everyone was forced to adhere to. Sometimes the strategies could be fun… sometimes.

As Sean listened to Elliott quietly exhaling in the voice chat, he could tell that Elliott's nerves had been sufficiently calmed. Whatever had him in such a tizzy earlier had diminished and provided some memorable laughs in the process. _I can't believe Elliott downloaded malware,_ Sean thought. The very notion brought a smile to his face.

"All set, dude?" Sean asked.

"Uh, yeah," was Muselk's simple reply.

In mere moments they were launched into a match. A decent team comp manifested before their eyes, and each team member played their role well. It was quite a lucky circumstance. Would you believe it if you were told that no snipers were on the team? Neither would I, but their luck pulled through.

With every vanquished foe, Sean could feel the blaze in his heart stoked even higher. Seemingly something was taking the joy he received from every kill and granting Sean an increasing satisfaction that he couldn't quite place. Elliott was quietly oblivious to all this.

Suddenly Sean was bringing his hammer down, and four enemies were sprawled out before him. He swung once and then again! With each strike another fool was felled. "Yes! Yes!" he cried. The intensity built and built until Sean was experiencing an almost delirious high. All of his focus and excitement was culminating in a final eruption. The feeling was something like an orgasm within his brain. He had never felt so alive. Sean perceived that he had a precious, little person cheering his every action.

He felt quite wonderfully warm as a cute, innocent voice egged him onward. _Yay!_ he could hear. _You're doing it!_ was another line. It was amazing to finally have someone who could appreciate all of Sean's actions more than he did. Oh, he felt so enchantingly familiar with the voice, almost like it was a close family member.

"My Onii-chan is so brave!" the sweet and tender voice squealed.

Sean looked to his team. Elliott was in trouble. His lone Zenyatta was no match for a Tactical Visor. "Gah! I will protect you!" he shouted. The hulking Reinhardt nobly leapt in front of the vulnerable healer, shielding the both of them. "Get behind me Elliott!"

"Oh, thank goodness, Sean!" Muselk franticly replied. He silently recovered as he laid down a suppressing fire.

In his head, Sean was chuckling confidently. "Yay! My Onii-chan saved the team again!" the tiny girl's voice giggled, "I love my Onii-chan!"

"Sean, go, now, there's an opening," Elliott said.

"I'm going!" Sean yelped excitedly.

The overtime clock started as Sean held stalwart on the point. Another wave of fearsome enemies approached. It was a close game, but Sean could win the day if he held out a little longer. His shield absorbed an inordinate amount of firepower. Bullets were flying in every direction. Abruptly, an icy wall manifested behind Sean, cutting off his team. The voice in Sean's head gasped in the cutest way possible. A hostile Mei appeared. Sean couldn't survive for long with an ice queen on one side and an angry horde on the other.

"No you don't!" Sean cried. He instinctively charged. Thanks to his expert Reinhardt skills, the vile Mei didn't stand a chance. As the little Chinese lady's body broke against a wall, glorious golden text proclaimed their triumph! Victory was at hand.

Both Muselk and Tyrodin let out a sigh of relief. Now they had the pleasure of reliving that astounding Reinhardt play. Sean recalled the sensation that had followed. It was overwhelming, and he could still feel the aftereffects. Whatever had possessed him, Sean appreciated the benefits.

Reinhardt continued slaying in the background. "O-Oniii… chaaan…" the tiny female voice huffed as if it was getting off on the victory.

 _Wait! What the fuck!?_ Sean recoiled, _Sean get ahold of yourself! This is fuckin' weird!_

Elliott somehow sensed the tension. "Uh, Sean?" he started, "Everything alright?"

But Elliott was not able to press that train of thought further, for just as he finished speaking, a musical chime indicated a newcomer to the voice chat. The third musketeer had arrived.


	5. Breathtaking

"Watzup bitcheezzzz…" Brad said. His tone conveyed that his soul was entirely devoid of life (or maybe he was just tired as fuck).

"Brad, you bootyful bastard!" Sean cried, "You won't believe what Elliott did this morning."

"Hello, Brad," Elliott said.

"Oh, God," Brad sighed, "Now what has he done?"

Elliott chimed in, "Ya know maybe we should talk about the more serious consequences of…"

"He downloaded malware and distributed it to all of us!" Sean interjected, his voice oozing feigned excitement.

"Ohh, nooooo…" Brad replied without emotion, "That's so tragic… I almost just want to go kill myself; that news has literally destroyed my life."

"Brad," Elliott said, attempting to get his attention. "…Brad?"

"I mean it's not like this has happened before!" Brad said, a mild rabidity overtaking him. "That would be ridiculous! I mean, who is stupid enough to install obvious malware onto their PC multiple times."

The intensity of Brad's voice had Sean a little worried. "Um, Brad? You alright, dude?"

"Ya know what the saddest part is, don'tcha!?" There was a tinge of madness in Brad's tone. He chuckled, "I'm still friends with this moron!" Brad's laughter rapidly turned into something resembling bird squawks. "Gah, it makes me just want to go and kill myself, yahaha yay!"

"Uh, Brad, let's just try to calm down now…" Elliott said.

Sean added, "Jesus, Brad, it's not that bad."

Brad continued cackling. "They're all TAXIC!" he squawked. Abruptly his voice became a hushed whisper. "I should have listened… forgive me lord Dunkey…"

Elliott was feeling the pressure. "Uh, Sean, you're good with voices."

"Um, yeah…" Sean replied.

"Can't you mimic, like, a German mating call or something…?" Elliott stammered.

"Pffft, hahaha!" Sean burst into laughter.

"Oh, real original guys," Brad hissed. Sassy Brad was out to play. "I'm not just a one-dimensional retard, okay? I have many breathtaking qualities."

Breathtaking is only one of the many adjectives used to describe Zylbrad. The darling of YouTube, few truly understood this enigma of a man. Compared to his fellow YouTubers, Brad was strikingly mellow. You wouldn't be able to tell from his spastic shenanigans, but he had built-in resistances to salt, toxicity, and, most of all, triggering. Perhaps that's why Brad was a mastermind of trolling everyone around him. He could orchestrate an emotional trap like no other. His swooning audience laid their hearts out, and he crushed them gleefully.

As Sean calmed his laughter, he wiped the tears from his eyes. "Ah, Brad, just watch out man. You might get an electrical shock."

"Ah, sounds great man!" Brad joyously replied, "I'm always down for some jolts to my nips."

"Mmmhm," Elliott mumbled, "Writing that down…"

"Ah, man, it's fuckin' crazy," Sean continued, "I almost thought I was hearing voices for a second."

"Oh? You hear them too?" Brad replied.

"What?" Sean asked.

"What?" Muselk said.

"What?" Brad added.

"Um, alright…" Sean responded, "Brad, are you joining us?"

"Yeah, jeez," an exasperated Brad said, "Just give me a second, man…"

"Yeah, just watch out," Sean went on, "It only took a few seconds for me to get shocked after I hopped in the voice chat."

"Meh," Brad said, "Everything seems fine on my end."

"Huh, that's interesting…" Sean said. A moment passed.

A loud shriek echoed through Brad's headset. "AHHHH! Oh God!" Brad cried.

"Whoa," Elliott spoke up, "What was that?"

"God, one of your mics just exploded in my ear…" Brad responded.

"Hah!" Tyrodin replied, "That's what she said."

Elliott groaned. "Oh, no, Sean," he said, ""Exploded in my ear." is what she said? I expect better from you." He sounded heartbroken.

"Eh, it's early," Sean said, shrugging it off.

"Goddamn," Brad moaned in pain, "My head is killing me."

"Does my Braddy-chan need some medical attention?" said the lustiest little hentai voice you've ever heard.

"Ugh," Brad groaned, "Yes, my waifu! Bring daddy his medicine."

"What the fuck!?" Sean exclaimed.

"Uh, Brad?" Elliott said, "You're talking to yourself."

"Hmm?" Brad lazily responded, "Oh, it's… just the voices."


	6. Fetishes

Elliott nervously rubbed his hands together as Sean and Brad chuckled about something. He had been electrocuted and so had Sean, and Brad had experienced some sort of sound distortion. Elliott was beginning to suspect that his friends were experiencing similar apparitions as himself. Though Sean and Brad obviously had no confidence in Muselk's abilities, Elliott took full responsibility for this ordeal. His duty was to solve this complex mystery and to reverse the sinister side effects. Examining how Sean and Brad were affected by the bizarre malware would be his first step, but neither of them seemed eager to divulge their inner thoughts. _Is this another side effect of the malware?_ Elliott thought.

The tiny, feminine voice snickered. "Elly-chan, you really shouldn't worry about them."

Although this voice had not been mean or harmful thus far, Elliott was smart enough not to trust it. _What's your plan here? You obviously aren't possessing us out of the goodness of your heart._

"Oohhh… Elly-chan, hehe," the voice laughed, "Haven't you heard? Girls like us need to have a little fun every once in a while."

 _That's a load of bologna,_ Elliott thought, _you aren't even a girl._

The voice gasped. "Elly-chan!" it squealed, "How could you say something so insensitive! You're breaking my heart." Huffs of breath accompanied by sniffling could be faintly recognized in Elliott's head.

 _Oh, jeez, I'm sorry alright,_ Elliott thought, _just don't do that._

The voice stifled its tears. "Y… you mean it?" the voice whimpered, "O-okay."

 _God, I hope Sean and Brad are having an easier time with this,_ Elliott thought.

The voice perked up slightly, giving a tiny laugh. "I told you Elly-chan. You don't have to worry about them."

 _That's obviously a lie. I mean, they certainly must be struggling to control their own thoughts._

"Not at all," said the voice, "Actually, I believe they are having the time of their lives right now. They may have interesting personalities, but they're rather simple minded."

 _What the hell are you talking about?_

The little voice giggled. "Would you like to know their fetishes?"

 _Gah, wha, no! I mean, guh-uuhh, err, what? H-ha-how? Grr, ack!_ Elliott quickly lost his composure.

"Aww," the voice cooed, "My Elly-chan is sooo cuute when he is rustled." The voice continued its adorable giggling.

 _Th-that's…_ he gulped, _Do you really know what their fetishes are?_

"Mhmmm…" it sounded so pleased with itself, "Brad's is pretty obvious, but Sean's… well, I was a little shocked."

 _Wh… what is it?_ Elliott asked, a tremble in his thought process.

"Sean-y likes to be a big, dominating brother," the voice said.

 _Wait, so… incest?_ Elliott was quite startled.

"Well… not exactly," the voice cheerily added, "Ambiguity is a powerful weapon."

Elliott broke out in a cold sweat. _Well, I… I guess that's possible. Sean does like to be "dominant"… and he does like to do cutesy, feminine voices every once in a while._

"They certainly seem to be enjoying themselves," said the voice. Suddenly, it refocused its attention. "Why aren't you enjoying yourself, Elly-chan?" The voice released a small gasp. "Am I so despise-able that my Elly-chan cannot be pleasured by my lust?"

Elliott felt his throat drying up. _I-I could never be tempted by a whore like you!_

"Ohhh… I feel so weak, and yet… your spiteful remarks spurn my arousal!" The voice squealed with pleasure. One could hear the trembling vibrations in the girl's breathing, like she was about to be overcome by her desire.

 _Guh, stop that,_ Elliott thought, _You're just a voice. You don't get aroused!_

"Oh, Elly-chan," the voice moaned in a whisper, "Ghh, I am glad that you cannot see me. If you could… ung, you would be so ashamed… Gahh, the things I am doing… uuuh… to my body… haaaaa… combined with your disparaging gaze… would send me over the edge. Aaaaaah…"

Elliott lowered his head into his hands. _Stop,_ he insisted, _your slutty behavior is too distracting._

"Ahhh!" the voice cried, "Yes! Mock me, scold me, rebuke me! Use me as your verbal punching bag… ah… ahaaaaahh!"

 _Dear God, this is getting out of hand…_


	7. Water and Champagne

Great figures throughout history all have one thing in common. They have the will to do what other men will not. To see beyond the standards of society, to challenge the status quo, to conquer the unconquerable, to think the unthinkable, these are the markings of a truly outstanding person. Although humanity may not know a person's entire greatness until long after he has passed on, one such man was already imprinting his vision onto this world.

The legendary Bazza Gazza had received many labels in his short time in the YouTube sphere. Some called him a furry, others titled him a main, some yet said he was a hook magnet, but none could possibly encompass the ingenuity, the precision, and the benevolence of this absolutely astounding individual.

Bazza looked up from his morning meal with water™ to see his phone vibrating on the table. Begrudging his toast with jam, he grabbed his phone and glanced at the screen.

He received a text from Sean. "Get on now! ;3" it read.

Bazza released a small sigh. His skills and company were in high demand it seemed. Perhaps one day he would find a little time for peace and quiet, but he could not say "no" to the call of Overwatch. _Whelp, looks like the gang needs me to bail 'em out again,_ Bazza thought, _It's a bit early for this, isn't it?_

As he prepared his mind for the coming struggle, Bazza slipped into his chair and activated his system. The greatest warriors must accompany their physical training with rigorous mental exercises, and Bazza had brought both facets to a head. With his body and mind at their full potential, he turned his full attention to his PC. He was surprised when he discovered that his cohorts were using an external voice chat. _Must be a special day,_ Baz thought. Once he entered the chat, he was greeted in the typical fashion.

"BAAAAZAAA!" Zylgoat bleated.

"Baz!" Sean shouted, "Baz, where have you been? We need your pews, Baz!"

"BaaAAA…" Brad continued, "zzzA!"

"Ya' know you can't just call me up and expect me to be at your beck and call," Bazza responded, "I have a life outside of Overwatch, you know."

"No you don't, Baz," Sean said in an effeminate voice, "Your just my… little… bitch, and you don't have a life outside of anything I tell you to do."

"I… I really don't appreciate that kind of unwarranted criticism," Bazza said.

"Un… huh, unwarranted?" Sean remarked, "What, are we going high class now?"

"Uh, yeah," Baz replied, "Now that my water™ sponsorship has fallen through, I have a new deal to promote the high society lifestyle." He leaned away from his desk, pretending like he was doing something. "Lemme just grab my champagne…"

"Hahaha, champagne…" Sean laughed.

"Isn't it a little early to start drinking?" Elliott chimed in.

"BAAAZZZA!" Brad went on.

"I'm pretty sure Brad's already started," Baz said, "The goat is already out."

"Oh?" Muselk replied, "I thought that was just from his new trash diet."

"Go fuck yourself, Elliott," Brad said.

"I would," Elliott replied, "but your mum's already filling that role."

"Dude!" Sean cried, "Oh, shit!"

"Oh, dayumn," Brad said, "Sick burn."

Baz chuckled. "Is this really what we've devolved into: overused memes and trashing each other's moms?"

"You b-ahahah-et," Zylgoat responded.

"Oh, my God that was so bad…" Baz said, "Wait… holy shit, it just got freezing cold in my room!" Bazza started shivering as a bitter, freezing air rushed over him. The chat was silent. "Guys? Guys?" Suddenly, Bazza looked around and saw that his surroundings were completely foreign to his senses, yet he felt like he had been here before. An arctic wasteland sprawled out before him. Commanding towers of steel enveloped the platform Baz was standing on. The shimmering ice at the horizon opposed by the dark, depthless waters was beautiful and terrifying all at once.

Then Baz heard a familiar, modulate voice, "Ey… Bazzeh…"


	8. Stanley?

An icy breeze rolled over Bazza's exposed arms as he stood dumbfounded in the middle of an abandoned arctic facility. "Wh… wh… wh… Stanley?" he stammered, "What the hell? How are you… how am I… what?" Puzzled, Baz looked around.

"Hey, Bazzeh," the training bot whirred.

"Stanley, how the hell am I even here!? I mean, you're not real!" Baz cried.

"Wow, Baz," Stanley said, "Ya' know, I thought you were pretentious and stupid before, but now… oh, jeez, kid."

Bazza shook his head. "Okay, well… whatever! This can wait for later. Just put me back before I freeze to death."

"Actually, Baz," Stanley said, "I've got some bad news."

"Huh?" Baz couldn't believe he was having this conversation. _I must be drunk,_ he thought.

"Ya' see, I never was training you to be a better Soldier," the robot said.

"Wait, what?" Baz retorted, "Of… of course you were. What were all those hours spent playing other characters for then?"

"Actually, I was just feeding you crap, so I would have an excuse to bring you back here," Stanley explained, "I get lonely, and I needed someone to talk to every once in a while."

"Wh… what the f-f-fuck, man," Baz was really feeling the effects of the chilly arctic winds.

"Luckily, I don't need you anymore, hehe," Stanley said triumphantly, "The other day I met some very attractive, young ladies, and they're going to keep me company from now on." Stanley sounded so confident, yet his story sounded fishy. "I just have to do one thing in return for them."

"Sounds like you're getting shafted," Baz replied.

"What?" Stanley said with a start, "No, I'm not."

"Yeah, it's like, a bunch of gorgeous women show up s-suddenly, g-get you to do something, and then never c-come back," Bazza said, "It's p-p-pretty obvious if you ask me."

"Eh! You think you know so much?" Stanley grumbled, "Well, we'll see how much she knows about you…" Then a bolt of red energy erupted from Stanley's arm weapon, striking Bazza squarely in the head. Everything went dark.

When Bazza awoke, he was laying on the floor of his room with his headset still around his ears. _What the hell just happened?_

Sean's comforting voice entered his ears, "Baz? Everything alright there?"

"Where am I?" Baz asked.

Sean laughed. Brad added, "You must have really hit your head hard."

"Oh no," Elliott shrieked, "It's the hentai voice! It got him too."

"Wha…" Baz moaned, "Hentai voice?"

"Aw, you're still going on about that, Elliott?" Sean remained skeptical.

"Yeah, he's totally lost it," Brad concurred, "Oh, yes! My waifu! Keep whispering those sweet nothings in my ear!" Though Brad was more delirious than ever, he didn't make any affirming arguments on Elliott's behalf.

"Is this some sort of, like, skit you guys planned out before hand?" Baz asked, "Because I'm actually disoriented, and I'm really confused right now."

"Baz, whatever you do," Elliott said fiercely, "Don't give in to the seductive voice in your head! It feeds off of your pleasure!"

"What are you on about?" Baz still wasn't sure if he had returned to reality.

Then a voice spoke up at the back of his mind without consent. "Well, that's a simple one," it said, "He's talking about the malware he foolishly downloaded and transmitted to all of you." The voice sounded oddly like Bazza himself.

 _Wah! Where did you come from!?_ Baz thought.

"Eh, I don't know," said the voice, "Malware code stuff combined with your intellect I suppose."

 _That's… kinda creepy. What do you want?_

"Well, honestly, I have almost no idea why I'm here or why my malware targeted you in the first place, but you've got to admit, a foreign voice in your head is way more interesting than patch notes."

Bazza huffed. _Did you just make a patch notes joke?_

"Uh, yeah, I thought it seemed like an appropriate time…"

 _Dude, we don't even know each other! You're a strange program in my head, and I don't like you._

"Well, I needed to break the ice somehow… I thought Stylosa would lighten the mood."

 _Yeah, um, it didn't really work, so how about you leave?_

"I don't know how to do that," the voice said dejectedly, "Besides, I get the feeling I'm supposed to fulfill your wildest fantasies."

 _Well you're doing a bang up job so far,_ Baz thought in an abrasive manner, _You should probably know I don't have a fetish for my own voice._

"Oh, I'm aware," the voice replied, "I know a lot of things you don't like. You don't like being dominated. You don't like bondage, or hooks for that matter. You don't like anything furry, I mean, let's be honest. That leaves a pretty clear indication of what you do like."

 _It does?_ Baz was exceedingly confused. _I mean, no, it doesn't. You don't know anything about me._

The invisible voice began chuckling. "This is gonna be fun…"


	9. Tsunderes

"Well, everyone's here," Muselk said, "Are we ready to go?" Now with the four excellent Overwatch players together, Elliott was wondering if they were prepared for play or if the strange hentai voices had worn out his friends.

"Hmm," Sean paused for thought, "Let's see… Brad and Bazza will be the dps. Elliott and I will be the tanks. Hmmm… that leaves…"

"The healers," Brad replied.

"Ah," Sean continued, "Why don't we make it a six-man? We just need two healers."

Elliott agreed. "Alright, uh, who's good at healing?"

"Girls," Brad said.

Sean laughed. "Girls!?"

"Ah, yes," Muselk nervously chuckled, "Women. Their natural habitat is the kitchen, so it only makes sense that they would do the healing."

"That's right! Dps is a man's job," Sean said in his manliest voice.

"Do you guys realize you're being super sexist right now?" Bazza inquired.

"Oh, come on Baz," Sean said, "You're the most sexist of us all."

"No I'm not," Baz refuted, "I actually appreciate women for all their efforts."

"'Cept when they don't rez," Brad added.

"AHH!" Baz cried, "Just rez me! I'm doing all the work anyways! #########!"

"Eh, he's triggered!" Brad said.

"I mean," Baz said, "It's not like I need healing or anything… stupid healers."

Sean continued laughing. "Hahaha! I guess inviting Dayne is out of the question then, eh?"

Brad wholeheartedly agreed. "Yeh, she's a bad influence on Shenpai anyways."

Everyone could hear the blatant unease which had entered Elliott's voice. "Uh, heheheh, yep, totally on the same page here… ha, I didn't preemptively send out invites after being prompted by the sexy voice in my head at all." He chuckled nervously.

Sean voiced his disappointment. "Aww, Moosetits…"

"Bad Elliott!" Brad said, "Go back to your corner!"

"Wah! I didn't mean it!" Elliott shouted.

"You're hurting Baz!" Brad cried, "Can't you tell he's in "I need healing" shock!"

"Ah, I'm sorry Baz!" Elliott stammered, "Will you please forgive me?"

Baz didn't respond. Undenounced to his friends, Bazza was having a tumultuous inner battle with his newfound mental companion.

"You see, Baz," the copycat voice explained, "I know exactly why you're resisting typical sexual stimulation. Have you ever heard of a tsundere?"

 _What? Do you think I'm some five year old who's never seen an anime? Of course I know what a tsundere is!_ Baz said.

"Well," the voice continued, "a tsundere typically is unable to express their true feelings for their love. Instead, a tsundere continually denies all romantic and sexual attraction to their object of desire. This is the state in which your mind is stuck."

Unamused, Baz huffed. _How dare you call me a tsundere! I am a completely independent, unattached, unrestricted individual._

"Don't worry, Baz," said the voice, "We'll put your emotions to the test with the power of the hentai voices!"

Baz scoffed at the confident voice and laughed. _We'll see about that. I've come out on top of these situations many a time before, many a time._

Suddenly, the voice changed. Sean's hearty voice rang out in Baz's head. "Baz, you've literally never won a match after saying that."

 _Wha? When did you become Sean!?_

"I mean," the voice continued, "Just now. I got bored of nonstop Bazza."

 _Why all these man voices?_ Baz fiercely inquired, _If everyone else is getting girl voices, why can't I have one?_

"Pffff," the Sean voice became as high pitched as possible, "I'm all the girl you can handle, Baz. Teeheehee, ############."


	10. Stupid

Every Overwatch player has a point in their gaming career when they realize that an opposing player's success is entirely based on underhanded tactics and shitty mechanics. There are a handful of Overwatch characters that require nearly zilch input but maintain a ridiculous kill potential including Junkrat and Torbjörn. However, one character in particular rises above the rest in terms of completely bogus capabilities.

Hanzo is a character who can shoot down a narrow hallway without consideration for the location of his enemies and get headshots. Hanzo is a character who can one-shot a tank (or at least turn it into a shish kabob). Hanzo is a character who gets "play of the game" by shooting a wall.

Now, this narrator has a lot of respect for Hanzo players. They have stuck to a character who is hated universally. Even Bastion finds room in the hearts and minds of the Overwatch community, but Hanzo is still stuck in his reserved part of the garbage dump. That said, unless you literally cannot play any other character, there is no excuse for using Hanzo. Every other character in Overwatch has better synergies, potential, and versatility. This is why when one needs a few healers, one should force Brad to play Lucio and maybe invite Oasis to the party. One should _not_ invite Shenpai and Neptune to the party; that's a bad idea. Nevertheless, that's what Elliott did.

Perhaps, by some predisposition, the reader does not agree with me. Consider this: the time in Sydney, Australia is ten hours ahead of the time in Germany, where Shenpai lives. Neptune lives in Canada. The horrifying amalgamation of time zones alone should be enough warrant off an Overwatch player from forming this team. As Sean would say, Elliott is a fucking idiot.

"Ughnn…" the perturbed German lady moaned, "Why are you guys inviting me at like… five in the morning?"

Brad spoke up. "Because neither time nor space shall separate you and I, my dear." He said it with as much poise as he could muster.

Sean chuckled. "Shut up, Brad."

Brad brought his mouth closer to his mic and spoke in a whisper. "I have to keep the juices flowing so that when she gets over here, we can sex it up," he said, "I mean, whaaaat…"

"Oh, Brad," Sean replied, "Please no…"

Shenpai reacted. "Wait, wha…"

"Nice, Brad," Elliott said in a condescending tone, "Nice."

"That… that doesn't even make sense!" Shenpai cried.

"Mmmm, sure it does!" Brad insisted, "You just have to think... _harder_ … about it."

"Guuhh…" Sean moaned.

"Mmmmm, n-noo… no," Shen replied, giggling nervously.

Then Neptune joined the party. "Whazzup bitches!"

"Oh, thank God!" Shen exclaimed, "You have to save me Dayne."

"Were the boys being mean to you, Shenpai?" Neptune asked diligently.

"Of course not!" Brad promptly said, "That's ridiculous!"

"Y-yes…" Shen whimpered.

All excitement abandoned Brad's voice. "Shenpai…" He was uncharacteristically dejected.

"Aww, it's okay now," Dayne continued, "Don't you cry. Mama's here now."

Shenpai loosed her crocodile tears into Neptune's shunning trap. "Thanks, mooom."

Brad was half laughing, half crying. "How could you betray me like this?"

"Okay, the fuck is happening right now?" Sean interjected.

"Sean," Baz said, "You should probably just let this take its course."

"Never!" Sean grunted, "We're men! We have to take life by the balls and give it what for!"

Confused, Baz asked, "Are you sure you're not confusing being a man with being a sadist?"

"What!? No!" Sean exclaimed.

Then Neptune chimed in. "Don't listen to him Sean. Everybody knows Baz doesn't have any balls."

"Pfft, wh-haha-at?" Sean bellowed.

"I… I-I take great offense from that statement," Bazza replied in a dignified manner.

"Good!" Neptune shouted, "I meant for you to take offense!"

"Yeah," Shen cheered, "You tell 'em, mom!" Both of the girls were laughing without restraint.

"Well, good!" Baz retorted, "It's not like I wanted you to be nice to me or anything! I'll just pretend like you don't exist anymore!"

"Good!" Neptune said in her bitter tone, "It's not like I wanted you to pay more attention to me or anything! Stupid!"

"Idiot!" Baz said with a huff.

"Jesus Christ!" Elliott shouted, "Would you two shut up!?"


	11. The Dark Lord

As campy and ludicrous the idea of lusty, sudo-Japanese voices possessing YouTubers is, sinister minds were closely monitoring the process. Deep within the underbelly of Irvine, California, the dark powers that be communed with one another.

In a dark, uninhabited basement, Jeff from the Overwatch team was preparing to speak with his secret master. The fading, industrial lighting barely illuminated the tiny room Jeff had chosen for this meeting. Jeff's own black Overwatch hoodie certainly didn't brighten his face any further. Nevertheless, the darkness fit the level of discretion desired by Jeff's master.

Jeff retrieved a round, metal disc from his jacket and set it on the cement, basement floor. As Jeff kneeled on the cold ground, the disc suddenly shone a bright blue glow. A twisted face enshrouded by darkness appeared before the Overwatch director.

Jeff bowed his head. "Master, I have done as you asked. Everything is going according to our plan."

The contorted figure spoke. "You have done well, my servant. It was wise of you to exploit the unintelligent one."

Jeff would not dare to lift his eyes. "I am humbled my master. Your tutorship was the only reason I was able to put these things into action."

"Yes," Jeff's master replied, "Thanks to our efforts, our plan will soon be complete. The world will be crippled by sexual agony, and everyone will be under my command!"

"Yes, muhahaha!" Jeff folded his hands and cackled.

"Hahahaha!" the figure bellowed.

"Master," Jeff continued, "What is my next step?"

The figure chuckled. "Continue to work with the Overwatch dev team to make the game as addictive as possible. Add more relational references to give the fans hope for affections that will never surface. The more people we can cordon under our wings, the faster we can bind their minds to our will."

"I will do as you command, master," Jeff said, "I live to serve you."

"You are a loyal servant, Kaplan," the image replied, "If you are steadfast in your mission, I may soon teach you the secret of the internet, and you will transcend all existence as I have."

Jeff's heart began to hasten as he realized what his master was offering. "Master," he said, a tremble in his voice, "I will not fail in my task."

"You will not," the mysterious voice insisted, "or you will face a fate worse than death!" The holographic image began to fade out.

Fearful of his master's power, Jeff said, "O-of course, master!" Then the faint image disappeared completely, and Jeff was alone in the musty, old basement once again.

Kaplan knew he could not fail. If he did, he would regret ever being born. Luckily, everything was going as planned. The gullible YouTubers were spreading the virus like Winston spreads peanut butter. Now, Jeff was ready to initiate the next stage of his scheme. He would use the infecteds' fetishes against them and bend their minds to his masters will. Their perverted minds and lusty hearts would provide the nourishment for Kaplan's parasite. Before any of these foolish internet celebrities could expel the malware from their bodies, the hentai voice virus would completely dominate their systems and transform them into mindless puppets designed to seduce the world to his master's plan.

An itch at the back of Jeff's mind made him question if he had made a mistake discipling under his master. The threats that the dark lord held over him were terrifying, but he also offered great, unimaginable power. Jeff tucked the disc into his hoodie as he got up from the cold floor. Anyone else would have turned away long ago, yet Jeff was left smiling. Only a true meme lord could have persevered for this long.


	12. Strife

"Well, I think maybe if we had some actual HEALING, we might actually win a match!" Bazza shouted.

"Uh, excuse me!?" Neptune retorted.

"Y-yeah, you heard me," Baz said tentatively.

"Did you ever stop to think, "Maybe if I stopped stupidly running into Junkrat's traps I would live longer."?" Dayne was at the pinnacle of her satire.

"Pfff, nghh…" Baz huffed, "I did no such thing."

"Yes, you did!" Neptune said, "You literally…"

"I-I think you're really blowing things out of proportion here."

"I SAW you walk repeatedly into…"

"Guys, guys, back me up here."

"Not once did you look at the ground before you…"

"T-tell her she's wrong!"

"Alright, Baz," Sean chimed in, "You're wrong, Dayne."

"What!?" Neptune shouted, "How dare you!"

"Y-yes, thank you, Sean," Baz said.

"Hold on. I wasn't finished," Sean said, "Dayne, Baz isn't stupid. He's fuckin' retarded!"

"THANK YOU!" Neptune jubilantly replied.

"Wow," Baz said, "Once again, I am offended." He put on his best "holier than thou" voice.

"Oh… my… GOD! Would you people shut up!?" Elliott cried, "If you imbeciles would just think about playing the game instead of bickering, we would probably play better!"

"Yeah," Brad half-heartedly joined the conversation, "You guys should just start an online relationship like Shenpai and me! That'll solve everything! Right, Sheny?"

The German nearly choked. "Y-ack-yeah…" she quietly said, "God, please kill me…"

"Aww, c'mon guys," Sean said, "Let's all get along." Suddenly, the rugged Aussie had an epiphany. "Huh, I'm starting to sound like the only sane person around here. Didn't see that one coming…"

"Alright, well," Neptune started, "I'll forgive you, Baz, if you admit I'm a good healer."

Baz grumbled under his voice. "Fine…"

"Hmm, what's that, Baz?" Neptune prodded.

Baz grunted. "You're a good healer…"

"Thank you," Dayne replied, "And you aren't retarded."

"Aww, wow," Brad said, "Good moral lessons with Tyrodin! Who knew?"

"...you're just a little… special," Neptune finished.

"Hmph!" Baz sneered, "Well, jokes on you cause I had my finger crossed!"

"Ughh!" Nep growled, "You're such an ass!"

"Okay! That's it!" Elliott cried, "We're doing custom games!"

"Y-yay…" Shenpai whimpered, "I'm dying on the inside…"

"Awww!" Sean yelped, "Look what you guys did! Ya broke Elliott."

Brad chuckled. "You mean he wasn't broken before?"

"Ha ha ha…" Elliott droned, "I'm putting you on a team alone, Brad."

"What!?" Brad shouted, "At least give me my waifu!"

"Mmmm…." Shenpai groaned, "Can't I just be a relevant human being outside of relational attachments?"

"Well!" Brad was put off, "I have other friends too. I-I'll just call them up."

The strangely Germanic voice in Brad's head chimed in. "Oooo, Brady-chan, I know just who we should adopt… er, I mean, recruit… to our side."

Brad gasped in anticipation. _Tell me, my sweet. Who should we seduce to our cause?_ His voice overflowed with mischief. The two devious minds colluded together to hatch a vile plan that would make Oasis wince, although that's not saying much.

"Maybe we should give Brad a teammate," said Sean, "I feel kinda bad for him. He was just being himself, after all."

"No!" Elliott said in his most authoritative voice, "Let him writhe in his own filth for once!"

"Well, Brad, are you ready?" Sean reluctantly asked, "Do you have anyone who'll play for you?"

"Oh," Brad chuckled, "Just you wait. I have an excellent team just waiting to be cobbled together."

"Alright," Elliott said, "And while we're waiting, we'll be spawn killing you, okay?"

"What? No!" Brad cried. Elliott laughed as he yanked Brad out of spawn on a hook and executed him. Brad growled. "I will get payback for this…"


	13. Something Phishy

*Dee-da-loo-da Dee-da-loo-da Dee-da-loo-da-dee!*

*Dee-da-loo-da Dee-da-loo-da Dee-da-loo-da-dee!*

An American was roused from sleep by one of the world's least annoying ringtones. The young man groggily reached out from under his covers to silence the pestering device.

*Bleep*

With a slap of his wrist, the phone died, and no more sounds intruded his sleep. He rolled over in his bed, yawning as he returned to his dreams.

A brief silence ensued.

*Dee-da-loo-da Dee-da-loo-da Dee-da-loo-da-dee!*

*Dee-da-loo-da Dee-da-loo-da Dee-da-loo-da-dee!*

The aggravated American growled. He leapt from his bed onto his phone to see what could possibly be disturbing him at this hour. As the dim, blue light of the phone petered across his face, he baffled at the text on screen.

 _An Aussie, of course,_ he thought.

Nevertheless, the American's mind was intrigued. He pondered what stupidity prompted this sudden contact. The humor of it spurred him forward. He answered the call.

*Bleep*

"Hello?" said the man.

"H-h-ha-hey, man… It's your buddy. You have a minute?"

The voice on the other end was low quality, and gunfire could be overheard in the background. Still, the man immediately recognized the sultry dialogue.

"Brad? Why the hell are you calling me!?" the man shouted, "Do you have any idea what time it is?"

"What?" Brad stammered in disbelief, "You know the only time I pay attention to is sexy time."

The man sighed. "What do you want?"

"Um… ah, get the hell off me, you obese degenerate!" Brad shouted elsewhere, "Ah, I need some backup. Can I interest you in a game of Overwatch?"

Again, the man sighed. "I WAS sleeping before you woke me up."

"Good!" Brad chirped, "Sleep is for the weak!"

The man had no worthy response. "...bye."

"Wait!" Brad screamed. He gave a pitiful, little whimper too. His moe effect was in full swing.

The man growled at Brad's persistence. "What!?"

"Look, man, I really need this," Brad pleaded, "Tell you what. If you join me, I'll give you that recording you were asking about."

"Holy shit!" the man exclaimed, "I thought you said that didn't exist."

"Nah, man," Brad confirmed, "Do this, and you'll have all the happy time material you need."

"Holy… You'd better not be lying to me!" exclaimed the man.

"Yeah, it's… hold on a sec… Sean, get your tiny, little hammer away from me!"

At the other end of the line, the man heard Tyrodin singing his Torbjörn theme song.

"Dammit, I'm dead again!" Brad shouted. Returning his attention to the call, he said, "I'm sending you a clip to prove that I'm serious."

The man held his phone in front of his face. Once the clip had been received, the American could not believe the sheer, untarnished, carnal, love power he was witnessing. Needless to say, it was way too hot for YouTube or FanFiction. A tear rolled down the man's face as he realized what true sexual terror felt like.

"...I'll… I'll do it," he whispered, "J… just send me the rest… after…"

"Pretty intense stuff, right?" Brad asked, sound quite proud of his achievement.

The man just nodded although Brad could not hear his motions.

"You still there?" Brad inquired.

"Oh, uh… yeah," the man said snapping back to reality.

"So, will you be joining my Overwatch game shortly then?" Brad asked.

"Uh, yeah," the man replied, "I just can't believe you actually filmed this…"

"Well, I mean, I didn't film it," Brad said, "Needed a camera man obviously…"

"Fuck…" the man said in a hushed breath.

"You coming online now?" Brad prodded.

"Oh, yeah, sure," the man said, ripping his eyes away from his phone's screen.

"Thanks, man," Brad said happily, "I knew I could count on you, Salty."


End file.
